“I’ve had such great girlfriends who are open and hold the space to talk about pleasure in a fun and supportive way. It helps me connect with my body and myself, it’s a form of self love for me now as well.”

What does sexuality, sensuality, and pleasure mean to you?

Sexuality to me, is the act of having sexual intercourse and who you are physically attracted to. Sexuality is all about the physical where sensuality is the connection to oneself. Being sensual is more of a feminine energy, it’s softer, can be self expression, it doesn’t have to include the act of having sex. Where as pleasure is the positive enjoyment felt within your body as you express yourself or engage in sexual activities. A partner isn’t necessarily required to experience sensuality or pleasure.

“Being sensual is more of a feminine energy, it’s softer, can be self expression, it doesn’t have to include the act of having sex.“

Growing up, was the common narrative one that supported your sexual curiosity + expression, or one that modeled repression + shame? How did that impact you?

As I was growing up the narrative around sexual curiosity and expression was not supportive. It was definitely modeled around repression and shame. That you could only engage in sexual activities if you were in a loving relationship, you should wait as long as possible, sex was dirty, being too sexual was inappropriate, having an affair would be the worst sin. I didn’t grow up in a religious household either, so it was very confusing. It impacted me rather negatively, creating an avoidance pattern and suppressing my own needs. I became a person of service instead of pleasure.

“It impacted me rather negatively, creating an avoidance pattern and suppressing my own needs. I became a person of service instead of pleasure.”

What were the primary belief systems you adopted about sexuality, sensuality, and pleasure?

For me, sexuality was just the act of having sex, and how you identify your sexual preference as well. Sensuality I believe is reserved for the feminine sexy women, who are the most desirable. Sensuality can also be expressing sex in an empowering way, through movement, the voice, how you dress, etc. You can be sexual and not sensual. As for pleasure, that is the enjoyment of whatever you are doing, it is not guaranteed when performing any sexual acts.

How did these beliefs/stories impact your relationship to sex, self pleasure + sensuality AND other areas of your life? (relationships, career, self love etc)

These beliefs impacted me in a way that disengaged me from my feminine. It made me jealous and judgmental of women who were overtly sexual. I became very practical and pragmatic. I told myself I am not sexy, I don’t know how to flirt. Men were only interested in my body and having sex with me, they weren’t taking the time to get to know the person that I was. I also work in the entertainment industry so I was afraid that if I was too feminine, or “sexy” then people wouldn’t take me seriously, or they’d think that my career growth was because I slept my way to the top.

“These beliefs impacted me in a way that disengaged me from my feminine. It made me jealous and judgmental of women who were overtly sexual. I became very practical and pragmatic. I told myself I am not sexy, I don’t know how to flirt. Men were only interested in my body and having sex with me, they weren’t taking the time to get to know the person that I was.”

When it comes to relationships, I just avoid them. I fear being used, I’ve attracted after unavailable men, and continued to be detached proving the cycle of them only caring about my body. I wasn’t respected or treated very well. I didn’t honor any boundaries or make sure that pleasure was a priority for me. I became of service to men.

These days, I have been practicing a lot more self love, setting boundaries, being more intentional with dating and working through connecting to my more feminine side without judgment. It’s a process and not every day is easy, but I am committed to giving this gift back to myself.

In what ways (if any) did you experience shame or guilt around sex and pleasure?

When I was in high school, my mother called me a slut after catching me making out with my boyfriend. She accused me of having sex too young, I was still a virgin at the time. She was so disappointed in me and I felt like I had done something wrong. We never discussed sex in a healthy or educational way.

After that, I tried waiting to fall in love to have sex but I then became embarrassed that I felt like an “old virgin”, and became envious of my friends that were a lot more comfortable with their sexuality than I was. So, I ended up having a one night stand at 18, while drinking, which resulted in me believing sex wasn’t a big deal and most of the time after that I was so disconnected from my body and would have sex only when I was drunk.

I’ve picked some partners that didn’t respect me either, who made me feel disposable, and dirty since I occasionally bleed when I have sex. Someone asked me if it was going to keep happening, as if I had control over it, now I worry that someone new is going to find it disgusting and be turned off by me so I just avoid sex all together.

“Sensuality can also be expressing sex in an empowering way, through movement, the voice, how you dress, etc. You can be sexual and not sensual.“

What are your beliefs now about sexuality, sensuality, expression, and pleasure?

My beliefs now are that I do have control over my body, I can be selective with partners. I have done a lot of healing spiritually and honor the sacred space that is the womb. I believe that we exchange energy in this space as well, especially with women we can store past experiences so I am very intentional about letting anyone in that space. Safety and security are now a lot more important.

Sensuality and expression are still hard for me. I have limiting beliefs and continue to tell myself that I am just not feminine enough to express myself in that way. If I do express myself in a more sexual or sensual way it would open the doors up to being used, manipulated, or the interest from me is simply physical. Or, that I could possibly be making other people feel uncomfortable.

Pleasure and self pleasure have been an easier topic for me to talk about, I’ve had such great girlfriends who are open and hold the space to talk about pleasure in a fun and supportive way. It helps me connect with my body and myself, it’s a form of self love for me now as well.

I just hope this makes even one person feel less alone in what they’re feeling or experiencing. Acknowledging my past is just one step forward in my healing journey.

xx

Your Sacred Sister