“Pleasure is when my entire body is surging with life force energy; when my divine feminine feels safe to be expressed, and my divine masculine is right there beside her, charging her up and holding a solid foundation of groundedness from the root-up.”

What do sexuality, sensuality, and pleasure mean to you?

To me, I believe there is a huge difference between these 3 embodiments.

Sexuality is something that is sacred to me, but wasn’t always. It is how I identify with my desires to be ravished and taken care of during love making.

Sensuality shows up in many different crevices of my life. The way my eyes meet someone or something that I admire– with a lustful desire to know and explore more. The way my hips move when I dance. The way I love on myself in the mirror. The way I walk in the streets confidently… with a powerful, yet delicate, essence.

And I find pleasure in many things, not just in a sexual way. Pleasure is when my entire body is surging with life force energy; when my divine feminine feels safe to be expressed, and my divine masculine is right there beside her, charging her up and holding a solid foundation of groundedness from the root-up.

Growing up, was the common narrative one that supported your sexual curiosity + expression, or one that modeled repression + shame? How did that impact you?

I had a mixture of both in my life. My dad and his side of the family are very religious, but my mom has always moved to the beat of her own drum.

I was raised Catholic and taught that I should not have sex until marriage, along with a plethora of different “rules” I had to follow- and if I didn’t, then I would go to Hell… ooof, pretty rough!

Although this was the case, I remember being very curious from a young age about kissing and playing with other kids. I would always try to kiss my boy neighbors when I was 4 (lol), and always remember being a very flirtatious and outgoing girl.

As I got older, I felt comfortable talking to my mom about things, but also felt her wounds in the realms of sexuality and intuitively felt like I could never get good advice from her… so I kind of just explored on my own & kept most of it to myself.

I never got shamed for having boyfriends, and my mom knew I was having sex in high school, but I chose to keep it from my dad due to fear of being judged by him.

Not the worst case scenario, but also wish there was more open and fluid dialogue in the realms of sex/sensuality because I believe it would’ve helped me make better choices and not give my body away to those who did not deserve me.

“I was always seeking outside validation from men through sex, which ended up causing a lot of trauma inside of my body- specifically my womb- that I am still healing through to this day.”

What were the primary belief systems you adopted about sexuality, sensuality, and pleasure?

I was a wild one (just like my mom) and knew that I could have any man I desired with just a blink of my eyes… however, this turned toxic at one point of my life because I was always seeking outside validation from men through sex, which ended up causing a lot of trauma inside of my body- specifically my womb- that I am still healing through to this day.

Although I was having “sex”, I was lacking a deeper connection to my body, which in turn, led to a lack of connection in terms of pleasure. I was never having orgasms with men, which I now understand is because I did not feel safe enough to let go and surrender to the person I was with or the pleasure that could’ve come from these experiences.

“Although I was having “sex”, I was lacking a deeper connection to my body, which in turn, led to a lack of connection in terms of pleasure. I was never having orgasms with men, which I now understand is because I did not feel safe enough to let go and surrender to the person I was with or the pleasure that could’ve come from these experiences”

How did these beliefs/stories impact your relationship to sex, self pleasure + sensuality AND other areas of your life? (relationships, career, self love etc)

I’ve always had an extremely high sex drive, and a very seductive energy that I embody.

I remember having my first orgasm when I was 10 with a back massager as a “vibrator” and felt invigorated. I was in complete awe that a feeling of such bliss existed and from that point on, it became almost a daily practice for me up until I was about 21.

At this turning point, I was becoming more connected to my body and yoni and was exploring Her with my own hands– feeling the sensations from an actual touch rather than a machine. This was a POWERFUL time of transformation for me, and one that helped me step into a more grounded and natural self pleasure practice; therefore, guiding me to also surrender to partners I was engaging with at this time.

Luckily, I have always had close sisters/friends in my life that were JUST like me… so we would always share our stories with one another, which helped me feel more safe and secure in terms of sexuality.

“I have also experienced guilt around saying NO to sex with someone that I was getting intimate with, for fear of them judging me. This led to me having sex with people even though it was out of integrity with what my soul really wanted.”

In what ways (if any) did you experience shame or guilt around sex and pleasure?

I believe there are SO many factors in our society today that ingrain toxic stories in our heads about sex & pleasure– such as the porn industry, social media, movies, etc. and I have definitely been affected by them in this life.

I’ve experienced shame around my body, specifically my yoni, from a young age due to being exposed to different porn videos. I remember seeing all these videos of girls with pink and TINY labias (classic) and thinking to myself “omg, mine doesn’t look like that and it’s ugly”. This started around the age of 12 for me, and I remember crying about it, thinking I was the only girl in the world with a vagina that looked different than the ones in these videos.

The first person I ever told about my shame around this was my first serious boyfriend in high school. He would always desire to go down on me, but I constantly came up with different excuses about why I didn’t want him to… until one day, I broke down and told him why I felt this way. He held me and reassured my that She was beautiful and I had nothing to worry about- which felt SO supportive and sweet. From that point on, I started becoming more comfortable with my yoni, and now am so grateful for Her and don’t struggle with this problem at all.

Along with this, I have also experienced guilt around saying NO to sex with someone that I was getting intimate with, for fear of them judging me. This led to me having sex with people even though it was out of integrity with what my soul really wanted. This has caused a lot pain and deep grief within me, but I have been on this shadow work path for quite some time now, unraveling all the stories around this subject, so that I may heal and stand in my power with my yes’s and no’s.

What are your beliefs now about sexuality, sensuality, expression, and pleasure?

My beliefs now are– FUCK what everyone else thinks about me or anyone else in these realm

These are our individual stories to live and move through, and if someone else is judging, it is all an internal reflection of something they are working through within themselves.

I feel grateful to now have a partner who is on this path with me and willing to do this work together. I have experienced my first orgasm (with another person) with him, because I have felt safe enough to do so, and have let all my wildest fantasies unravel with him in the bedroom. My yoni’s G-spot was unlocked with him, which has seriously changed my life in terms of my sexuality and sensuality. All walls are down, and there is nothing to hide, run from, or be ashamed of. He is my divine mirror, and has held so much space for me as I have moved through some deep trauma in my womb and body from other traumatic sexual experiences.

I am a sexy, confident, embodied goddess who does not have to be ashamed for the confidence I hold in these realms. I also feel blessed to be around other divine women who hold this vibration and meet me in the depths of self-exploration and ecstatic empowerment of one another.

“These are our individual stories to live and move through, and if someone else is judging, it is all an internal reflection of something they are working through within themselves.“

Thank you for holding this beautiful container for us to share our stories. May we honor all those with the courage to share their experiences and heal through their traumas around these topics, and also hold those who do not have a safe space to do so in our hearts.

We are creating ripples in the pool that society has told us to stay out of, and it’s only gaining more momentum.

As most on this path know, we need to feel in order to heal– and the only way out, is through. Bless all those who are here to witness these stories. I hope they inspire you to open the dialogue with friends and family around these topics so we can rid ourselves of shame and guilt around sex, sensuality, and pleasure.

xx

Mary